it got away

This is the only way that I could ease away the pain I’m currently feeling. I would never want to  put it in words but I’ve already reached the limit. I think I need to do this to make myself feel light. Few weeks ago, I finally decided that I AM MOVING FORWARD.

I AM MOVING FORWARD. NOT because this is what I want and because I saw the life outside of you, outside of us. No. I’m moving forward because neither you nor I would have the courage to define what’s happening to us. We are too scared to be blamed in the end. We’re too scared to take the leap of faith because none of us would want to be accused of “LEAVING SOMEONE BEHIND”

I AM MOVING FORWARD. Because your actions tells me to do it. You’re proving me that you can’t give anything anymore even the simplest and most basic thing in a relationship. I AM ALWAYS AN OPTION TO YOU. I am your spare time and once you don’t see interest in me, you’ll drop me like a hot potato.

I AM MOVING FORWARD. Not because you don’t love me but because you abused the meaning of love. We use it too often that it finally loses its real meaning. You claim that you love me but your actions doesn’t support your claim. You love me because of the memories that we cannot abandon. You love me to sustain the label of ‘IN A RELATIONSHIP’

I AM MOVING FORWARD because you became too comfortable that I would never leave you, and that no matter how much broken I’d become and whatever awful things you’ll do, I will always come running and fixing things for the sake of not losing you. You were too comfortable that giving up is not included in my option. You take it as an advantage to have a hold of me while you really don’t want to include me in your life.

I AM MOVING FORWARD not because I see that you’re not trying anymore. NO. I know that you’re trying but I also know that deep inside you wouldn’t want to try anymore. You’re now accustomed to your routines and you couldn’t find to squeeze in some time for us.

I AM MOVING FORWARD because you don’t see yourself with me anymore. It’s not that something you could take back after saying, it’s something really important that would leave a mark. It’s something that I couldn’t ignore, something that made my life shatter into pieces because I thought we could be different.

I AM MOVING FORWARD because you care more about how people think of you, of how people will look at you when you finally bid your goodbye. Because you’re giving me reasons to give up so that the burden of the decision will be on me. You care so much about your reputation that my feelings doesn’t matter anymore.

We always believed that we’re for each other. We both took each other for granted and I am guilty for that mistake. I admit everything I did wrong from the very first time we were together but remember that I tried to patch things up but it will never be enough if I’m the only one who’s doing the job. It’s not gonna work if I’m the only one who wants to make everything work. A bicycle won’t go anywhere if the other one stops working.

I could never forgive myself for trying so hard even if I knew that the effort I’m giving is not something that you deserve. You slammed the door for me and I’m trying to knock for a long time but you wouldn’t answer. I hate myself for holding on to the last strand of hope because I’m too blinded by seeing myself with you in the long run, I’m too blinded by the memories we cherished together. I believed that there’s so much more to us, and so much more to share but I forgot that the present is much more important than living in those dreams and memories.

Now, I stopped hoping that there’ll be us again, I stopped hoping to be in your arms anytime soon. I stopped my heart from breaking and I stopped doing the routine. Now, I saved myself from the depression. Now, I’m not afraid to face that this is the reality. The reality that I don’t need a person who makes me feel that I’m not included, that I’m an option and would never be  one of the priorities. You denied me. You denied the person who only wants to love you and be loved by you. You let me slip away. I AM MOVING FORWARD

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